There's the Republican Jesus—who is against tax increases and activist judges, for family values and owning firearms.
There's Democrat Jesus—who is against Wall Street and Wal-Mart, for reducing our carbon footprint and printing money.
There's Therapist Jesus—who helps us cope with life's problems, heals
our past, tells us how valuable we are and not to be so hard on
There's Open-minded Jesus—who loves everyone all the time no matter what (except for people who are not as open-minded as you).
There's Touchdown Jesus—who helps athletes fun faster and jump higher
than non-Christians and determines the outcomes of Super Bowls.
There's Hippie Jesus—who teaches everyone to give peace a chance,
imagines a world without religion, and helps us remember that "all you
need is love."
There's Yuppie Jesus—who encourages us to reach our full potential, reach for the stars, and buy a boat.
There's Spirituality Jesus—who hates religion, churches, pastors,
priests, and doctrine, and would rather have people out in nature,
finding "the god within" while listening to ambiguously spiritual music.
There's the intellectual Jesus- who cares only for doctrine and creeds, and wants His followers to be "missional".
There's Platitude Jesus—good for Christmas specials, greeting cards,
and bad sermons, inspiring people to believe in themselves.
There's Guru Jesus—a wise, inspirational teacher who believes in you and helps you find your center.
There's Boyfriend Jesus—who wraps his arms around us as we sing about his intoxicating love in our secret place.
(Obviously none of these represents the true Jesus who is God reigning
in Heaven, who died on the cross for our sins, rose and conquered death
on the third day. Who is at the same time a God of mercy, love, wrath,
justice, compassion, and all knowing and all powerful. Who is a perfect
Father and Savior! And who is coming back soon in judgement and will
restore the earth out of sin and the curse! That's the King of Kings and
Lord of Lords!!)